by Julie-Anne Peake, Clinical Psychologist
Validation is one of the most powerful tools we have in human connection. It’s the act of recognising, understanding, and accepting another person’s internal experience - without judgement or the need to jump straight into problem-solving. When done well, validation helps calm emotions, fosters trust, and strengthens our relationships.
In therapy, validation helps clients feel seen and safe enough to explore their thoughts and emotions honestly. But it’s just as important outside the therapy room - in our relationships with partners, friends, parents, children, and colleagues.
What Validation Really Means
Validation doesn’t mean you have to agree with someone, or tell them their reaction is “right.” It simply means acknowledging that their emotional response makes sense given what they’ve been through or how they’re seeing things.
For example:
- “That sounds really hard. You’ve been carrying a lot.”
- “I can understand why you’d feel angry after that.”
These kinds of statements don’t try to fix the problem. They communicate something far more powerful: “Your experience makes sense.”
Why It Matters
When people feel genuinely validated:
- Their nervous system begins to settle, which can reduce emotional intensity.
- They feel less alone, misunderstood, or “too much.”
- They become more open to reflection, problem-solving, and change.
For those who have experienced trauma, validation can be deeply healing. It offers the emotional safety that may have been missing during the original experience; the sense that someone is now able to witness, accept, and make sense of what happened.
When Validation Goes Wrong
Even with the best of intentions, validation can sometimes miss the mark. A few common pitfalls include:
1. Over-Validation
Continuously validating without gentle challenge can unintentionally reinforce avoidance or unhelpful thinking patterns. People often need both validation and encouragement towards growth.
“I can see how anxious this makes you, and I also believe you’re capable of taking that next small step.”
2. Invalidating Validation
Using validating words without genuine empathy (for example, “I get it, but you’re overreacting”) can come across as dismissive or confusing.
3. Self-Invalidation
Many people minimise or dismiss their own emotions, saying things like “It’s not that bad,” or “Other people have it worse.” Learning to validate ourselves (to acknowledge our own pain, frustration, or fear without judgement) is an essential part of emotional healing.
4. Validation as a Quick Fix
Sometimes validation is used as a way to stop distress rather than connect with it. True validation requires presence, curiosity, and patience - not just the right words.
Finding a Healthy Balance
Effective validation combines empathy with healthy boundaries. It’s about recognising emotions while also supporting resilience and accountability.
For example:
“It makes sense that you feel hurt by that. I wonder what might help you get through this?”
Validation isn’t about getting it perfect; it’s about being present, curious, and compassionate. When we can do that, both for others and for ourselves, genuine healing becomes possible.
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