By Julie-Anne Peake, Clinical Psychologist - myMHC
Have you ever walked away from a conversation thinking, “I wish I’d said something…”?
Whether it’s at work, in relationships, or even with family, speaking up for ourselves can feel uncomfortable, especially if we’ve learned to avoid conflict, keep the peace, or put others first.
Assertiveness isn’t about being aggressive or dominant, it’s about expressing your needs, feelings and boundaries clearly and respectfully. It’s a crucial part of healthy communication and emotional wellbeing.
Let’s explore what assertiveness looks like and how to build it step-by-step.
What is Assertiveness?
Assertiveness means communicating your needs or opinions in a direct, honest and respectful way, without violating the rights of others.
It’s that healthy middle ground between passivity (“I’ll just go along with it”) and aggression (“You must do what I say”).
People who are assertive can:
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Say no without guilt.
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Ask for what they need without apology.
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Express opinions even if they differ from others.
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Set boundaries calmly and consistently.
For many people (particularly those who have experienced trauma, rejection, or criticism), assertiveness can feel risky. It can trigger fear of conflict or abandonment. That’s why learning stepped responses can be so helpful.
The Stepped Approach to Assertiveness
Think of assertiveness as a ladder — each step gives you more clarity, confidence, and strength. You don’t have to jump straight to a bold “No” or confrontation. You can climb gradually, using techniques that fit your comfort level and the situation.
Step 1: Use “I” Statements
Start by owning your experience without blame or accusation.
🗣️ “I feel uncomfortable when meetings run late because it impacts my other commitments.”
🗣️ “I need some time to think about that decision.”
This approach helps the other person hear your perspective without feeling attacked.
Step 2: Broken Record Technique
If someone pushes back or ignores your request, repeat your point calmly and consistently.
🗣️ “I understand you’re busy, but I still need that report by tomorrow.”
🗣️ “I hear what you’re saying, and my answer is still no.”
This shows you’re firm but not aggressive — and it prevents others from wearing you down.
Step 3: Fogging
This technique helps when you’re faced with criticism or manipulation. Acknowledge any truth in the statement but don’t get pulled into defensiveness.
🗣️ “You’re right, I do like things to be organised.”
🗣️ “That might be true, and I still need some space right now.”
It’s called “fogging” because criticism passes through you like fog — you don’t absorb or fight it.
Step 4: Assertive “No”
Saying no clearly and respectfully can be empowering. You don’t have to over-explain or apologise.
🗣️ “No, I’m not available to take on extra work this week.”
🗣️ “Thanks for thinking of me, but I’ll pass this time.”
A simple, calm no is a full sentence.
Step 5: Escalate When Needed
If your boundaries continue to be ignored, it’s okay to increase firmness or involve support.
🗣️ “I’ve already explained my position, and this conversation is no longer helpful. I’ll step away now.”
🗣️ “I’ve raised this issue several times. I’ll need to speak with HR if it continues.”
Assertiveness doesn’t mean you need to fight — it means protecting your wellbeing while maintaining self-respect.
Building Assertiveness Over Time
Like any skill, assertiveness grows with practice. Here are some ways to build confidence:
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Role-play responses with a trusted friend or therapist.
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Start small — try being assertive in low-stakes situations first.
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Notice your body language — open posture, eye contact, calm tone.
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Reflect afterward — what worked, what felt hard, what did you learn?
The Benefits of Assertiveness
Becoming more assertive can:
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Strengthen relationships through honest communication.
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Reduce resentment and burnout.
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Increase confidence and self-worth.
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Foster emotional safety and mutual respect.
When we speak up for ourselves, we show others how to treat us — and we start to believe we deserve to be heard.
Final Thought
Assertiveness isn’t about changing who you are - it’s about reclaiming your voice.
You have the right to express your needs, to say no, and to stand firm with kindness. Every time you practice, you strengthen not just your boundaries, but your sense of self.
#Assertiveness #Boundaries #EmotionalWellbeing #TraumaInformed #CommunicationSkills #HealthyRelationships #TherapyTools #SelfEmpowerment #myMHC
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