By Julie-Anne Peake, Clinical Psychologist
Many of us say “sorry” without even thinking about it.
We apologise when someone bumps into us, we take responsibility for others’ moods, and we work hard to keep everyone else comfortable - often at our own expense. So where does this come from?
The Roots of Guilt and Shame
Guilt and shame are powerful emotions that develop early in life.
- Guilt says, “I’ve done something wrong.”
- Shame says, “There’s something wrong with me.”
When we grow up in environments where love or safety felt conditional — where mistakes were punished harshly, or emotional needs weren’t met — we can internalise the message that we’re too much, not enough, or only worthy when we’re useful to others.
These experiences can shape how we see ourselves and relate to the world.
The Birth of the People-Pleaser
People-pleasing and chronic apologising often begin as survival strategies.
For children who felt unsafe, rejected, or emotionally neglected, keeping others happy became a way to avoid conflict and maintain connection.
As adults, these same strategies can show up as:
- Difficulty saying “no”
- Apologising excessively
- Avoiding confrontation at all costs
- Feeling responsible for other people’s emotions
What Happens in Therapy
In therapy, we gently explore the origins of these patterns without judgement. The goal isn’t to “get rid” of guilt or shame (both have useful messages) but to understand them and restore balance.
Therapy can help you:
- Recognise where your guilt and shame truly belong
- Set boundaries without fear
- Build self-compassion
- Learn that your worth isn’t tied to your usefulness or compliance
Healing happens when we move from “I have to keep everyone happy” to “I deserve to feel safe being myself.”
💡 If you recognise yourself in this, remember:
These behaviours were once adaptive - they kept you safe.
Now, you deserve to live from self-worth, not survival.
#TherapyInsights #TraumaInformedCare #PeoplePleasing #ShameHealing #Boundaries #SelfCompassion #MentalHealthMatters #HealingJourney #GuiltAndShame #EmotionalAwareness
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